Times Are Tough...

Most of us do our best to raise our kids right. I say most because I spent an hour today with a creepy sex offender who...well, don't EVEN ask.

We teach our children the importance of high moral standards like: "Honesty is the best policy." "Do unto others as you would have done to yourself." One of my personal favorites is, "Civilized people don't drink wine out of a box."

The other day I shocked my daughter by coming home with a box ‘o wine that an over enthusiastic PLCB employee talked me into (I’m so sorry she did—it was awful). The oddly shaped container of wine coupled with the cans of Corona I got for my father’s visit sent Kaleigh into shock. She asked me, “Mom, are we poor? I saw cans of beer in the fridge AND a box of wine and I just don’t understand it. I thought you had rules about that kind of stuff.”
This might sound bad out of context. We are certainly not the type of people who sit around, noses in the air, sipping on expensive wine and microbrews. I choose my wine based on the coolest labels under $9.99. My beer of choice at home is usually a bottle of Miller Lite…we’re not fancy. At all.

I do have my “things” though. Everyone does. I’ve tried to instill a sense of good judgment into Kaleigh. For example, “Good girls don’t buy fake bags”. That is one thing that I am a total snob about. Hand bags. My rule is, if you can afford the real thing—it’s not okay to buy a fake. I don’t do fake Coach bags….until tonight.

In an effort to support a good friend’s venture into the exciting world of knock off hand bags, I agreed to shop her store. It was quite an experience. Very classy. Right out of the trunk of her Yukon in “On the Border’s” parking lot. It was dark, people were gawking…and my daughter had an absolute blast! It was the single best moment of my day when that trunk flew open and my daughter eyed the only Coach bag of the bunch. You know when the “Mommy can I” comes out of the closet, you’re toast. 17 year old girls don’t call their Moms “Mommy” unless it’s to suck up. I’m totally okay with that. The look of sheer joy and contentment was the cherry on top of a perfect evening of dinner and conversation with my fabulously entertaining daughter.

She asked me, “Mom, are you sure? I know it’s a knock off.” I said to her, “Hey, times are tough. Ya gotta do what ya gotta do.” I’ve taught her well. My work here is done.

She's back....

Okay, so I know it's been a while since I've posted, but let's get real. They weren't paying me for this stuff and I got busy.

My daughter has inspired me to write again. I love it that it's one of the things we have in common. She has a "secret" blog that she writes that is laugh out loud funny (so loud it deserves to be written out instead of just an LOL). I know I'm her Mom, but I'm not exaggerating...I was crying from laughing so hard.

You've missed some good things since...um...February.

I almost blogged about my new Benz. You'd think buying a Mercedes would be a phenomenal experience...complete with world class service. I imagined myself sipping lattes while they transfer your plates. Not so. Oh the stories I could tell....

I seriously considered posting recently when it took me three precincts to participate in the local election and I ended up not being able to participate in MY local election. In true Hasanna style, I voted in Bethlehem Township instead of where I live in the City of Bethlehem. Thank goodness this wasn't a pivotal election for my favorite Mayor...Mayor McDreamy. Had this been a pivotal election, I hate to think of the damage I would have done at Nancy Run Fire House!

I actually started writing something after I set up a profile on an online dating site. Not. Even. Funny. I actually shared one of the first responses with my friends and we got a good laugh. I screen for spelling, so you can imagine my dismay when the first response came from someone who I am sure did not speak English as a first language. So not for me...online dating, not foreigners. I've already put the online dating project to bed. Not literally people. Get a grip.

That about sums up what's been going on here...I'll keep you posted on the new insanities of my life. I do feel some obligation to keep y'all entertained.

Seriously?

My soon-to-be-ex-husband (couldn't be soon enough) and I had a few errands to run together today to sign paperwork saying that we officially wanted off the roller coaster. It was surprisingly more delightful than I anticipated.

We managed to have three broken down vehicles, two calls to roadside assistance and a screaming/door slamming episode at a gas station pump over debit vs. credit card and a zip code issue that reminded me exactly why I was getting off said roller coaster. This was all in about an hour and a half. That wasn't the surprising or delightful part. That was standard procedure.

During that time we did have a few laughs...my failing to be able to provide the notary with any identification with my "married" name on it was not one of them. (Hyphenating my last name was not one of my brightest ideas). Again. Not surprising and not delightful.

The laugh we had was, ironically, at our own expense. We've been separated for over two years (married only a year, but dated for over a decade...go figure) and we still had a joint checking account open. We finally closed that about a month ago. It was the first step in my official "giving up" process.

Last week, we received an additional refund check written out to both of us from the IRS for our 2007 taxes. After some arm twisting, I convinced him that I deserved the whole check (my close friends are laughing their faces off right now...either at the fact that I did some arm twisting or at the idea that he thought he should get any of the check). He signed the check, I signed the check and went on my merry way to the bank.

Of course it's not that easy. The government is clearly trying to force us to stay together (I swear...you should see all the offerings for marriage counseling in our excessive amount of divorce paperwork). We literally have to open up a joint checking account again just to deposit this check. It's preposterous...almost laughable!

We are literally opening up a joint checking account on the same day we are having our "Application for Divorce" notarized. No joke. That's what they call it. Really. As if I'll be interviewed and have to provide references before they'll let me out of my marriage. Not to worry...I interview with flying colors and I've got dozens of friends who would provide references to the fact that, try as we may, there is no putting us back together.

The most hysterical part of our brief afternoon together is that after all these years...my bad habits have finally rubbed off on him. I had to sit with him in the car for 10 minutes waiting for his Mom to come open the door to his house, because as he was running out the door to meet me, he locked himself out of the house! In typical fashion...he blamed me. It's always my fault you know. I did rush him.

Anyone know someone who could push that "application" through a little quicker??

Someday My Prince Will Come?

I had a conversation with a dear friend today who told me she was depressed by Facebook. She found it depressing to see all of her friends and family proudly displaying photos of their significant others and smiling children. Her parting words were, "This too shall pass...someday my prince will come."

My immediate response? "Ick". I don't believe in princes. I do believe in frogs. White knights? Not so much. Black marks on my credit report? That's reality.

I do agree that FB can be depressing. I'm not referring to the fact that FB is like crack and is a time sucker beyond belief. FB is worse than Tivo because you can take it with you. At least Tivo is bound to the confounds of my living room.

Don't get me wrong. I love FB. However, a recent change in the Relationship Status on my FB Profile has bombarded me with the most distressing ads. If you haven't figured it out yet, these ads are customized to the info in your profile. It knows my age, race, sexual preference and how much money I make. Here are some of the more choice ads I've had the pleasure to receive:

"Compatible Single Men Over 30" -- I don't know...perhaps I'd like to start dating 21 year olds again. That was certainly an exciting time in my life. The never ending bar scene...no money...boyfriends who still lived at home with their parents. Good times.

"Millionaire Matchmaking" -- I do tend to spend a little more frivolously than I should, but how could FB possibly know that I could use a Sugar Daddy for my designer handbag addiction and front row seat concert compulsion? BTW...doesn't the phrase "matchmaking" tend to mean that we're matching millionaire to millionaire? If that's the case...FB should take another look at my checking account.

"Meet Elite Mature Singles" -- Since I was recently called "pompous and elitist" this one is especially distressing. Apparently there is something in my FB profile that confirms what my girlfriend thinks. I should look into this.

None of these choice nuggets are as distressing as my two favorites:

"35 and Still Single" and "Top 3 Mistakes Women Make" -- It is these kinds of ads that promote the distress my poor friend was feeling earlier today. Why is that they think there is something wrong with us? Someone at FB has incorrectly assumed that I have somehow been screwing up my love life with some sort of mistake (apparently there are 3 that top this list). According to FB I have only have myself to blame for finding myself alone at 35.

Is it possible or even fathomable that in 2009, an independent woman might be choosing to be "still single" at 35? I know lots of people who should be "still single" or "single again" at 35, but instead are "unhappily married" at 45 or "guiltily unfaithful" at 35.

I choose "Still Single at 35" over "Someday My Prince Will Come" or "Unhappily Married" any day of the week.

Could you shut off the car please?

In a few weeks, Kaleigh will be 16 and begin learning to drive. I can't teach her myself...you did read that earlier blog about two accidents in one day right? I'm pretty sure with no practice at all, she is already a better driver than me.

In general, she's a better person than most of us. She's always sweet, kind and never says a harsh word. I on the other hand, got reprimanded today (yes, by my daughter) for saying that H&M coats were "throw away" coats because they weren't high enough quality. She insisted that it was rude to say while we were in the store. Whatever.


Kaleigh, Nick and I were at the gas station today and Nick was about to pump (I hate to pump gas and I forked out big bucks today for more last minute school stuff so it's okay to put the kid to work). As Nick swipes my card, chooses the high octane and unscrews the cap Kaleigh and I were in the car jamming to Nick's iPod and I was just about to reply to a text when Kaleigh quietly said, "Could you shut off the car please?". I was 10 seconds away from blowing up Nick and the rest of the Turkey Hill Mini Mart and Kaleigh calmly suggests that I prevent that by turning off the car. She even said, "Thank you" when I did it!


How is it that a crass, non driving, fool like me ended up with a responsible and polite daughter like this? I'm one lucky Mom (and not just because I didn't blow up my family at a Turkey Hill).

Fight Loss

In a perfect YELLOWPAGES.COM world everyone renews and upgrades. In the real world, some people cancel. It's my job to avoid that...that part of the job is called "Fighting Loss". This is a story about when fighting loss nearly became fighting loss.


Right from the beginning I knew GNG Home Improvements was going to be a nightmare. They refused to let me a do a website and just went with a basic listing. Long story short...their program didn't work as well as they wanted it to. I felt bad (even though they didn't listen to me) so I put my money where my mouth was.

I had GNG come out and do an estimate for some gutters I needed cleaned. Not being an idiot...I also had another advertiser of mine come out to bid the same job (or is that what makes me an idiot?). Only GNG showed up. (Note to contractors all over the world: This might be part of the reason why you have no work. You actually need to show up for estimates first. Completing the estimates and following through on the bidding process might also help. Just a little FYI.) Since the 2nd guy didn't show up, I blindly accepted the bid from GNG...which was $400. Because I actually am an idiot...I offered to send a check right away. They wanted to review the contract with me in person so I held onto my check.

The next day the other guy shows up and gives me a bid for $40. Okay, now alarms are going off in my head. Did Da Handyman (seriously, that was the name of the other guy) forget a zero? Surely, GNG wouldn't have given me such an inflated estimate for the same job. Yeah right, of course they did! They gave me a completely inflated estimate because they didn't want to work with me (imagine THAT!!). You can guess that when I cancelled the job (before signing the contract) tensions rose.

Fast forward to renewal time...I'm standing in their driveway ready for them to sign cancellation paperwork and the wife is literally holding her completely psycho husband (who sadly knows where I live!) back from attacking me while he yells and curses at me like a maniac. According to him I'm a big liar, I should die and don't know how to do my job.

Now that, my friends, is fighting loss. And you wonder why I'm selling Arbonne? At least there I don't have to get 12 month contracts signed for Facial Scrubs...

A lot of activity...car activity that is.

Trouble for me comes in all shapes and sizes. Some might say I bring on this trouble with my whirlwind lifestyle...I'll agree to that...some of the time. Most of the time, I am a completely (completely meaning mostly) innocent bystander in the circus freak sideshow that is my life. The latest trouble has come in the shape of my year old Acura RDX.

So it started last week...Friday was the Coldplay concert in Philly. I planned ahead and Bridget had a bedroom all ready for me (xoxo B). The concert was SO good...I mean REALLY good, so naturally I was amped up. It was midnight when I left the Wachovia Center and I was wide awake. I decided I didn't need to stay at B's house and I would make the hour and a half ride home. It was a good solid plan. It was a good solid plan until it involved PENNDOT. For any of you who have dealt with Penndot in the past, I don't think I really need to say anymore. For some reason, they think it's a good idea to repave the Slowkill Expressway just as a show is letting out. It took me until 2:30 to get to Conshohocken (where of course I had to stop at the office to use the facilities...hope there are no cameras). It was somewhere between Midtown and Lansdale that I nearly ran off the road so I did the smart thing and pulled over.

My plan (and yes, I did have one) was to take a quick disco nap at the gas station right off of the Lansdale exit. I pulled over...grabbed a sweatshirt from the back seat that was on its way to Goodwill (6 weeks ago when I put it in the backseat), parked underneath a street light (for safety of course) and put the seat back. If you've taken a disco nap, you'd know why I was in shock when I woke up and the clock in my car said 7:30am. A disco nap is usually 15 or 20 minutes...half an hour tops. A 5 hour disco nap is not a nap...it's just plain sleeping in a gas station. Scary.

Even scarier is what happened yesterday. "A lot of activity". That's one of my favorite sayings (snaps to the Bachmann clan...). I always have "a lot of activity". I was on the phone with Suzanne when the crazy lady and her mother in front of me decided that instead of merging into traffic, they would pretend to merge into traffic and so of course I slammed into her. We can't blame Suzanne for what happens next (I mean obviously the finger couldn't be pointed at me), because it's really Acura's fault. The handsfreelink stopped working like a week ago. I can't spend as much time in the car as I do and NEVER be on the phone. It's just not possible. I'm sure Suzanne and I were having an important and urgent work conversation when I said, "I have to go, I just hit someone." The whole "transaction" was mostly painless...although, it would have been a lot easier if I had my driver's license with me, but whatever.

You'd think that was enough "activity" for one day...especially since that same day, when I went to an appointment with a restaurant owner (again...unnamed) he was on his way to the hospital because he sliced the tip of his thumb off. No such luck for me (is it wrong for me to make this about me when this poor man lost part of his thumb??).

The 2nd accident of the day wasn't my fault (yes, I did say 2nd accident of the day). I was at the gas station when of course one of the pumps (at 8 billion dollars a gallon) didn't have a working credit card swipey thing. I had to do a quick spin around to get to the next working pump. Of course I used my handy dandy rear view camera (because since I've had it, I've forgotten how to use my actual rear view mirror). It was a little dusty...the sun was a little too sunny and well let's just say, there was no way I could have seen that pole (at least when I was facing forward).

I know this all sounds crazy, "a lot of activity". Do I get any credit for at least finally changed that spare tire?!